Like many of you, I was looking forward to my kid’s first day of kindergarten for one big reason: no more pre-school tuition. Two boys and a combined seven years of payments to St. Mark’s Day School had kept me from spending my money as I see fit. Good-bye tuition, hello Hair Club for Men. (I also want one of those Slap Chop contraptions from the infomercial. My birthday is August 11.)
After dropping off my son, I was making my get-away when I noticed two tables of donuts, coffee cake, and other yummies in the auditorium. There was some kind of meeting going on. I grabbed an apple fritter and a cup of generic PTA coffee and tried to blend in. All was going well until some lady at the podium said something about fundraising, and I flipped out.
Maybe it was the caffeine and sugar talking when I blurted out, “Hey, what’s the big idea?!” Bits of coffee-drenched pastry sprayed out of my mouth as a hush fell over the assembled parents and toddlers. “Donations! You want donations? This is a public school. What the heck am I paying taxes for?” One of the moms accused me of being boorish. I said, “The joke’s on you, lady, ‘cause I don’t even know what ‘boorish’ means.”
Then the boss of the school (I believe her name is either Dr. Livingston or Livingstone) approached, wiping a hunk of glazed apple from her face. She patiently explained to me that my taxes pay for “not just schools, but also roads, parks, cool fighter jets, and huge agribusiness subsidies.” She then described the great things PAC has bought for the school—dozens of shiny new computers and peripherals, two gigantic play structures with a safe bouncy rubber-like surface beneath them, library books, and evil copy machines. (Contrary to rumors, the diamond-encrusted humidor in the principal’s office was not paid for by PAC; rather, it was funded by the re-sale of lost-and-found spiritwear and lunch boxes.)
“Who do you think paid for the apple fritter you spit on my face?” she added. “Not the taxpayers!” Clearly agitated, the principal was not being my best pal at the moment, and I backed off. I finished my fritter at the lunch benches and thought things over. I had to admit that Dr. Livingston / Livingstone made a little bit of sense. Indeed, maybe we were both right.
Consider this:
1. Thanks to Fremont, we don’t need to send our kids to private school. Our good fortune will continue when (or if) our kids reach middle school and high school.
2. PAC makes the lives of Fremont teachers easier. And just as great cheese comes from happy cows and happy birthdays come from great pointy party hats, great students come from happy teachers.
3. Computers are, like, everywhere now. Kids should know how to use them.
4. My boys have oversized heads and fall down a lot. The bouncy ground under the play structures gives me peace of mind.
5. I had a 5th point, but in the time since I started typing this list, I forgot what it is. If you know, send me an e-mail.
Now TV has taught me just about everything I know, such as that it’s easier to get people to donate money by breaking down the total amount into daily portions. You may have seen those commercials telling you that you can make a difference in the life of a kid in some far-off land for only 14 cents a day. This works for us the same way, but instead of helping some kid you don’t even know, you can help PAC buy more cool stuff for Fremont…for only 14 cents a day (you do the math).
It pays off. My kids, now in 2nd and 3rd grade, are already clearly better writers than me, and better at math and science, too. I’m sure they’re also more boorish, whatever that is. Because I caved in and donated some money to PAC three years ago (and ever since), my kids also still have better hair. If I can live with a cheap hairpiece, you can do without the foot massager, back-scratching robot, or Slap Chop contraption (remember, August 11!) that you’ve always wanted.
Jim Schmit
Those who know Jim realize he’s just kidding. Or is he? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. In any case, please join Jim and Tinky Schmit and over 100 other families who have given to this year’s Annual Campaign. So far we’ve raised $10,000, 40% of our $25,000 goal. Jim also encourages you to give to UNICEF or to some other worthy organization working to improve the lives of poor children throughout the world.
